PUBLIC EYE 03/28/2014

New football rules govern fan behavior

I prefer major league baseball over football for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that showboating after a good at-bat or play in the field will likely result in a fastball up by your ear.

All psychologists know, “Effective behavior modification can be achieved by suggesting that your next at-bat is really going to hurt.”

Sure, a nasty linebacker can hurt you too, but if you will notice, the target of the aforementioned linebacker is trying to run away from him, whereas in baseball you have to stand there and wait for it. And think, “Maybe doing that happy dance at home plate wasn’t the best choice.”

This is why, and I’m finally getting to the point of all this, the NFL is about to sack all those celebratory moves by players, making them subject to unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.

But – and here’s another reason I prefer baseball – the NFL, which to its way of thinking is the real leader of the free world, is going to impose behavior rules on fans.

That’s correct, there will be no more painted faces on fans, because it’s, well, umm, bad. Furthermore, there will be no more high-fiving between fans more than one seat away from each other, no more than two fist pumps AND, most importantly, no screaming, “Woooooooooo” after a touchdown for longer than 15 seconds. Yes, really.

“The opposing team will be assessed a 15-yard penalty at kickoff because the fan in aisle 47, row 17, seat 475 had an excessive ‘Woooooooooo!’”

Personally, I think whatever goes on between a fan and his or her Woooooooooo is a private affair and should not be timed. I did note, however, that there is no mention in the new rules about “Aarrgggggggghgh!” or “Yooowwwwwwwwww!”

Which makes me want to watch baseball all the more, because I can say, “Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” to my heart’s content.

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