Public Eye 06/21/2013

 

Writing about the possibility of banning saggy pants on the Boardwalk, or, more accurately, banning saggy pants on people on the Boardwalk, begs for wise cracks.

I’m disinclined to do that, however, since it isn’t much of a challenge to say, for instance, that the droopy drawer syndrome has become the joke of many butts.

No, what I am wondering is whether government pants profiling might lead to further sartorial restrictions. If so, I propose that we also put an end to old men who hike their pants up to their chests.

Having crossed the age equator myself some time ago, I am familiar with this phenomenon, which, when I was young, was called “wearing your pants at the creep level.”

As it is, some men hit a certain age and suddenly say to themselves, “Hey, I would look really good if I pulled my pants up to my armpits.”

The theory, I suppose, is that this fashion approach will hide or disguise the paunch, large or small, that resides somewhere near the actual waistline.

“That’s it,” they seem to say, “If I make it look like my waist is 15 inches higher than what it really is, women won’t notice that my stomach really looks like a 50-pound sack of bird seed.”

Men being somewhat self-delusional anyway, it would not occur to practitioners of creep level pants-wearing that most women aren’t looking at them anyway. The fact is, they can’t, because once men hit a certain age, an automatic cloaking device is manifested that completely conceals them from all women below the age of 50.

This also might explain why men who wear their pants at high altitudes often take stronger measures to be noticed, including wearing stratospheric shorts and black socks down below … with sandals. Or worse, wingtips.

Wearing black socks with shorts is fashionable in some circles, as younger males routinely do that. But that is because they aren’t married yet and, thus, have no one to tell them it looks stupid.

As for women, all I can say is that the less-is-more look doesn’t work for everyone. Not to be mean, but does a bag of potatoes look better or worse with a tube top?

Some women, of course, look good no matter what they do or do not wear and some look so good that you might need medical attention after inhaling the better part of your funnel cake.

That would be because you sucked in your stomach so they wouldn’t see it, which isn’t happening anyway if you’re hitching your pants to a star.

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